Saturday, January 30, 2010

Someone to share my silences

Someone to share my silences

I'm missing Nanan (David) more than ever before...I have no one to share my feelings with. The joy of becoming a grandmother for the first time. It's an indescribable joy...wonderment....thrill; anxiety for mother and child, disbelief at some level; an ecstatic uplifting of mind, body and difficult to put into words. That's why I miss him more, for he would have been the only one who could have understood how I felt and shared every awesome moment with me.....and there'd be no need for words as we waited to experience this miracle that's waiting to happen.

How lonely it becomes at times like these. It's strange is it not, how not being able to share one's silences brings on this emptiness in the soul. I can mail a thousand mails....okay that's a bit far-fetched....let's say twenty mails to people and broadcast my joy. I can shout from the top of the roof.....yes, they're out there somewhere, the people I know. Those who will be polite and kind and smile and bob their head happily. I look into their eyes and see the gleam that says..."you know nothing yet. Wait till you hear my story..."

I try to fill the gaps and pauses so they don't get in edgewise, as I breathlessly rush through what I have to share but as I take a short breath, my ears are swamped as they proceed to regale me with histories and accounts of their grandchildren.
For some reason, I find their stories not as exciting as mine...they're histories...the 'I've been there done that sort of thing.' Why can't they just share my's new...not yet happened...sigh! I listen and smile and bob my head happily.

Then of course there are others, who are not even near being grandparents because either their kids aren't married yet or then they aren't married. So, they paste a grin on their faces which begins to hurt me more than it does them. Their eyes hold the ..'what am i supposed to say and feel' panic, as they glibly launch into stories about their grandparents! What, I almost scream. Your grandparents are ancient, no parallel here....I'm on the threshold of becoming one. But I smile and nod my head very understandingly wondering why I shouldn't truncate the conversation and end the ordeal on both sides! Oh yes, I can get many ears to hear me.......and all I want is some one who can listen with the heart; feel with the soul; communicate with my silences.

Yearnings! life goes on and this whole world will keep on turning. Time for a cup of green tea. They say it's good because of the anti-oxidants.


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